I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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