ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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