new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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