if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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