I just pynch a tree in the face
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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