She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
