Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
