The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
