I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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