Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
