If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
this will be a night to untag.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
