I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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