Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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