I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just pee around me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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