I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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