i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
