And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
