I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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