I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
