i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
