I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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