So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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