Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
