i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
