i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
