Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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