Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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