His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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