Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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