One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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