I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
