I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
