watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
