Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
