I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I just went to clothing optional bar
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