I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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