I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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