I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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