I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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