I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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