so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
