Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
