Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
