saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
