Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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