i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How external is "for external use only"?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
