I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
