Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
