How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
