In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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